Commencement
Michelle Ferguson

On May 4, 2002 I graduated from Fresno Pacific University. Looking back over the last four years, I am amazed at how much my life has changed. Because I’ve been a student for most of my life, I tend to categorize my life by school years. I don’t remember much of elementary school. Junior high was the period of rebelliousness. During these two years I admitted to myself that I had homosexual feelings. High school was the time of new faith: I became a Christian when I was 15 and struggled with how that fit with my homosexuality. College has been the time of walking out of homosexuality. And now I’ve faced graduation: commencement. Another beginning.

August 1998 I moved into my dorm room at a Christian liberal arts college. I had visions of leading Bible studies and making the Dean’s List. This was the place I was going to make a difference for Christ, a place where I could grow in my faith. I thought my homosexual attractions had been taken care of. Sure I felt them every once in a while, but compared to the way it had been my freshman year of high school, they seemed a thing of the past. I had been the leader of the Christian club on my high school campus for three years; of course I was “over” my struggle with homosexuality. I was determined; will power was all I needed. It seemed to have worked because as I began my freshman year of college, homosexuality was that thing in my past I was not going to bring with me to this new time and place in my life.

Within a month I found myself in an emotionally dependent relationship with one of my roommates. Shortly after that our relationship became sexual; despite attempts at ending the sexual part of our relationship, we did not walk away from that until the end of the school year. During the summer we told our Resident Director about our relationship and said that we wanted help changing it. I did not want to continue falling sexually, but throughout the school year it seemed almost impossible to resist. Summer break was our chance to start over. After the school got involved, we told our parents about what had happened. By the end of the summer I transferred to another school.

My first year at Fresno Pacific forced me to deal with my sexuality. I had spent 8 months diving into sexual immorality, and I had no idea how to pick up the pieces and move on. I felt alone. I felt like a failure. However, I knew that God had something better for me and I was determined to find freedom from homosexuality. I fervently read my Bible, journaled and prayed. I begged God not to turn away from me, but to remain faithful. He did just that. He provided me with three friendships that allowed me the first steps out of sexual brokenness. These girls were true friends: I could talk honestly, trust them, and learn from their examples. I began to learn what it meant to separate my idea of a friend from my idea of a lover. I struggled to keep myself on the right path, but it is evident to me that God was directing my steps. I am forever indebted to those girls and the way God used them.

By the time my junior year rolled around, I had new challenges before me. My faith was tested. I had been free from the sexual relationship of my freshman year for a year. I had learned something about healthily forming same-sex friendships. In the fall I got the crazy idea to look into spending a month of my next summer break volunteering with an ex-gay ministry. I was entirely resistant to this idea at first, but the Holy Spirit continued to prompt me in that direction. So, I e-mailed different ministries around the country and got in contact with Exchange Ministries in Orlando, FL. Alan Chambers was the director. He was a big part of testing my faith. There were dozens of times when I wanted to cancel those plans, but I knew I had to go. Not only did God test my faith by opening this door for ministry, but He also tested me relationally. I had been praying about whether or not I would ever be able to truly be attracted to and love a man. A week after I had surrendered that question in prayer, I met the man that helped answer that question for me. I fell in love. Though the relationship ended after six months, I was incredibly encouraged. I knew that that type of relationship was a possibility in my future, but was shown that it was not the right time. During this year I started an accountability group with 7 other girls. We called ourselves "On Belay," a rock-climbing term describing our relationship with one another and with God: we harnessed ourselves individually to one another in support, and we also depended on God to secure our climb. I experienced deeper same-sex friendships and the affirmation and exhortation that come with having godly friends. This group was pivotal: I needed to pursue further healing, and the only way to do that was to step out and explore these relationships.

My junior year also tested my pride. I began feeling very good about where I was at in my struggle with homosexuality. In my mind I am sure I believed I was over it, that I had “arrived.” I had been making so much progress that I felt like nothing could shake me. And, as we humans tend to do, when I began to feel proud I assumed I was self-sufficient and started to slip in my relationship with God. I talked about God, led Bible studies and was a student leader, but I slowly fell away from the passionate pursuit of God I had thrown myself into the year before. This left me vulnerable and unaware of my weak spots. By the end of the school year I found myself in a place I thought I would never be in again: I was face to face with another sexual temptation. The last week of school I was so confused. I was headed to Orlando, yet I had flirted with another homosexual encounter. Thankfully, because of the growth I had experienced, I was able to pick up and move on quickly. I spent the summer working for Exchange and continued in my healing process. I will never forget what Alan told me when I confessed what had happened. He told me that it was a good thing that I had learned the lesson of my vulnerability, and that I needed to remember that I was not the person I used to be. Making a mistake did not mean I had to start all over. He showed me grace and encouraged me to push ahead.

My senior year, I continued to grow in relationships. I confessed my mistakes to On Belay and my campus pastor, with whom I had been meeting regularly since I started at Fresno Pacific. They all affirmed me and I learned a greater level of accountability through that experience. I became aware of the boundaries that need to be in place, and of the triggers and things that make me vulnerable. I was able to compensate when I became tired or vulnerable so that I did not stray in my relationships. I also learned to be aware of the function of different relationships and not to expect all things from one relationship. God also blessed me with some very special friendships in which I was able to experience genuine intimacy. My best friend and I do not try and extract everything we can from each other, but work toward mutual edification. We work for the good of the other. We learn from one another and do not draw on one another for ultimate comfort, but understand that we are to point each other towards the fulfillment God gives. That is such a place of freedom. Granted, it has not been easy. It is never easy surrendering self-centeredness for the commitment to love your neighbor. It is never easy to accept correction from another. It is never easy to confront your friend. It is not always easy to allow someone else to see your limitations and weaknesses. Honesty, however, reaps the blessing of healthy relationship, and I am experiencing the goodness of being created for unity with the body of Christ.

In May I received my degrees. Looking back on the many lessons learned and experiences had, I feel a sense of accomplishment and complete thankfulness for God’s hand on my life. I could never have taken one step without Him. Without Him I would still be stuck in the sexual mess of my freshman year. But that is not where I am now. A friend said, “Now you have a forward purpose that governs what you do with how the past makes you feel.” Graduation was commencement. I have not arrived at a point in my healing where I am safe to stop or where I can take control of my life. Spiritual maturity is not gaining the ability to handle things on your own; it is measured by the humility one displays by becoming more dependent on God and the guidance of the Holy Spirit. May 4th was the close of a certain place in my life, yet it was also the beginning of so many more things God has for me to learn and apply. Every step I take does not mark an end, but a commencement. God yearns to take me so much further.

This article was published in The Exodus Update (June 2002).